Kyle Michalka

[Kyle Michalka]

Status: "Kyle Michalka is wiped after kendo class today."

Sex: Male
Birthday: 1st April 1988
Family:
Lewis Michalka (father)
Tess Clarke-Kensington (mother)
Katarina Michalka (sister)
Andy Michalka (cousin)
Samuel Michalka (uncle)
Gwen Myles (aunt)
Aaron Clarke (cousin)
Hometown: Ripley, Surrey
Current City: Hogsmeade
Relationship Status: Single
Looking For: friendship, networking
Political Views: Apathetic
Religious Views: Agnostic

Interests: learning languages, martial arts, karate coaching, kendo, kickboxing, rowing, ice hockey, rugby, American football, basketball, jogging, Quidditch, making cocktails, Tarantino films, Assassin’s Creed, Call of Duty
Music: Oasis, Stone Roses, Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, Beady Eye, The Police, Kanye West, Jay Z, Dizzee Rascal, Calvin Harris, Swedish House Mafia, Rihanna
Movies: Pulp Fiction, Kill Bil Vol 1, Kill Bill Vol 2, Reservoir Dogs, Black Hawk Down, Gladiator, The Godfather, Scarface, Taxi Driver, Fight Club, American Psycho, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises, The Godfather trilogy, The Fighter, V for Vendetta
Television: The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Rome, Ripper Street, Band of Brothers, Generation Kill, Boardwalk Empire, Burn Notice, The Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy

Favourite Quotations:
Mia Wallace: That's when you know you've found somebody really special: you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence. (Pulp Fiction)

Hattori Hanzo: Revenge is never a straight line. It's a forest, and like a forest it's easy to lose your way … to get lost … to forget where you came in. (Kill Bill: Volume 1)

Cersei Lannister: When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die; there is no middle ground. (Game of Thrones)

About Me:
Hi, hola, bonjour, guten tag, buongiorno, konnichiwa etc. etc. I’m Kyle, I was a Ravenclaw at Hogwarts, played Chaser and was Team Captain. Now living a life of often karate-based exercise, Assassin’s Creed, mindlessly violent television… oh yeah and work sometimes as a barista and barman. Not all at the same time; now that would be a trick. ;)

Education and Work:
May 2010-now
Barista
The Coffee Bean
Diagon Alley, London

January 2009-now
Barman
The Loft
London

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry '06

St Thomas of Canterbury Catholic Primary '99

Contact Information:
Email: [e-mail]

[Justin Biermann]

Justin Andrew Biermann sent you a message:
Hey. Quick question. No big deal. Your cousin. Totally straight? Yes? No?




I uh Marcus wants to know. You're free to be left out of this discussion entirely; just a yes or no answer is cool and we'll all get on with our lives.

[Kyle Michalka]

Kyle Michalka sent you a message:
I assume you're talking about Aaron?? I can only assume he's straight, he does have Interested In: Women on FB and he's never said anything to me over the years to say otherwise.

But then again, though I've never seen him all over a dude, I've never actually seen him all over a girl either so... make of that what you will! Or Marcus (apparently) can make of that what he will. I hope this was for argument's sake and not because he has a thing for him...

Did you like him well enough when he stopped by the Coffee Bean yesterday then? I think he's a pretty sound bloke, got his head screwed on right at least. We get along quite well, cousinly banter aside. Of course he does support Man City which I will never understand from him - or from you for that matter!

[Justin Biermann]

Justin Andrew Biermann sent you a message:
Wait, there are more? Yeah, I guess so. Lawyer, yay high, talks kind of like me?

Ha. No. I We Marcus just got a vibe. But he has terrible gaydar. Apparently. I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into The Coffee Bean When Kyle's Not Around.

It's not that important to me, I just happen to think that all Man U fans are soulless sociopaths who cannot be trusted... anyway, he seems cool.

[Kyle Michalka]

Kyle Michalka sent you a message:
Mmm, 'lawyer' and 'talks kind of like you'... that pretty much encompasses the entirety of Aaron as a person. :P

Oh I see, it's another of Marcus' 'feelings' about people. He really does have terrible gaydar, that much I know already; he once tried to hit on me, back in the day. But yeah idk about Aaron, he's never really... said anything if he is gay, put it that way, and the fact that Marcus reckons he's less than 100% straight makes me lean the other way entirely on the matter. The Coffee Bean When Kyle's Not Around sounds like pure anarchy tbh.

Alright, alright. Okay admittedly, as a Chelsea fan, I might tend to agree with you that Man U fans are pretty much sociopaths. But I'm prob not entitled to an opinion because I support Chelsea???

I'm glad you liked him anyway, he's a cool guy and I think he's feeling a bit lost/isolated atm because he doesn't know many people in London. So he enjoys being introduced to people I think. Plus, he goes to visit his brilliant cousin Kyle and, what do you know, happens across a fellow Manc - who would've thought it, huh?

[Justin Biermann]

Justin Andrew Biermann sent you a message:
He did? Haha. I feel I've been deprived of this story for far too long.

It's probably good to just accept whatever people self-identify as. So yeah. That's that, then. And we are incredibly professional when you're not around. As 'professional' as you can be when your job is basically putting foam in a cup.

You're entitled to your opinions, wrong as they may be. Nah man, it's cool, I just don't get people who support some popular team with money over their own hometown. Though Man U fans from Manchester are even worse imo. (I never claimed to be rational about this.)

Yeah? I mean, I wouldn't mind hanging out with him sometime. You have family still living round there? I'm trying to find my dad more people to hang out with who aren't me. Introducing him to your dad was the best thing that ever happened to my weekends.

[Kyle Michalka]

Kyle Michalka sent you a message:
You've been deprived of this story for good reason. Mainly because Marcus is still embarrassed about how wrong his gaydar was/is. :P

Yeah - I mean just because I've never seen him all over anyone doesn't necessarily mean he's not interested, he's just... more discreet than the rest of my family, I guess, ha. Moving swiftly on from this discussion of my cousin's sexuality... I don't know what you're insinuating about professionalism, we're baristas, we're obviously called upon to maintain dignity and grace at all times. And this is highly achievable since we don't work for bloody Starbucks.

Haha, diplomatic as ever there Biermann! In my defence, I am technically from Ripley. I don't know if you've seen Ripley F.C.? Just... no. So I feel as if I'm entitled to take on my dad's birthplace's team of choice - Chelsea. Justifiable enough? It's football, you don't need to be rational about it all.

Much like yourself, Aaron begrudges paying for gym memberships so runs outside all the time and has a liking for team sports - he mentioned a casual game of football sometime if you fancy it? (I'm trying to rope as many people into this as possible... as if I don't torture myself enough with the gym and martial arts.)

It's mainly a few of my mum's side of the family that are in Manchester; Aaron's parents and siblings all still live there because the Clarkes are Manchester born and bred. I have no idea how my mum ended up in Germany, Surrey, and then London - clearly betraying her roots, there. Also, I welcomed the Michalka-Biermann father pairing as much as the next man, he stopped asking me to go on hikes or biking every weekend so... Plus I couldn't take another awkward convo about my mum and James (Dad inexplicably reckons these activities are 'sharing time') so... I guess he's off-loading all that emotional shit on your dad now?

[Justin Biermann]

Justin Andrew Biermann sent you a message:
This is why mankind needs to develop a new system for letting people know what your deal is. Also, remind me to never tell you anything in confidence.

Here, let's have some classic straight guy talk to get back on track. Tits, bro. Am I right? Fistbump.

Sure, man. I'm thinking of wearing a tie.

Someone once told me that sports exist so men have a socially acceptable emotional outlet. I've seen my own father openly weep at a City match. For what it's worth, I chose to support the Chudley Cannons completely of my own volition, so I'm probably just drawn to misery.

Gym memberships are a scam. Everyone knows this. I'm always down for football, though. I quit a physically demanding job to focus on my primary interest in beer, which doesn't exactly bode well for me.

Ha, the Biermanns betrayed their German roots in favour of Manchester. Congratulations on being alternate-universe me. Man, I don't claim to know what deep emotional needs my dad has that require sitting in silence with fishing poles, but I guess I'm glad they're being met somehow. Is James cool? My dad hasn't been in a serious relationship since this one decathlete he dated when I was ten. I came home from school once and she lifted me clean over her head.

[Kyle Michalka]

Kyle Michalka sent you a message:
We all walk around with signs slapped on us?? Mate, idk but I get what you’re saying. Also – Marcus is cool with it, he jokes about it now so… no harm done?? :/ Come on, I didn’t mean it like that Biermann! I just mean I feel odd discussing my cousin’s sexual exploits or lack of such, as fascinating a subject as I am sure it was for Marcus and his faulty gaydar.

I can believe that about sports. It’s odd that isn’t it, when you see the ol’ alpha weeping profusely at the outcome of a match? It unsettles me a bit tbh, having not seen my dad openly display a delicate emotion for years – something to do with the whole Auror thing? Idk. Anyway… you probably are drawn to misery, at least you’ve finally seen the light on that. Or… you’re fond of underdogs?

Everyone knows this and yet I still buy into it. What can I say, I just love them taking a direct debit out of my bank account every month even if I’ve been uber lazy that month and only been a handful of times. Well, like Marcus has prob already said, you’re welcome to join us on our mornings runs if you fancy it and I’ll get onto Aaron about the football thing.

Omg my world doesn’t make sense anymore… I’m AU Biermann. Wait or does that mean you’re AU me? Mind blown. :P I admit, I guessed the deep emotional problems thing based on like 3 awkward convos we had where he tried to be subtly interested as though he was just being polite but I know really he’s still a bit pissed about the affair (I mean, can’t say I blame him) and it’s gotta hurt even more that your wife then goes and marries the dude. But then he wants her to be happy so… and he has Fiona now (which we could all see coming FFS)… so idk, ugh serious relationships, eh?

I like James well enough, he’s not a dick so I can’t really complain and he’s quite harmless on the whole. He makes Mum happy and treats her well as far as I can tell so that’s as much as I need to know about them tbh – if she’s happy, I’m happy. *shrug* Does your dad not date much nowadays then? Or is that territory you really don’t want to get into with him? (Which I would totally understand, I mean seeing Fiona and Dad’s sexual tension for years was sickening to me, really.)

[Justin Biermann]

Justin Andrew Biermann sent you a message:
That'll go over well. Anyway, man, we're cool. Just trying to be funny. It's not my strong suit.

My dad's like that too and he fixes toilets for a living, so I don't think it's just the Auror thing. More a mid-forties guy thing. Possibly a Catholic thing.

Underdogs are more exciting, yeah? See: every sports film ever made. You need the lows to appreciate the highs, or something.

Haha speaking of getting onto Aaron... too soon, Biermann, too soon

We won't know for sure until one of us grows a goatee. And I don't know, man, I'm not on board with cheating but it seems like it worked out for the best.

Jesus H. Christ, that tension was uncomfortable for me and I'm just some guy. Yeah, I don't know what's up with my dad. The only time we've ever talked relationships was him telling me not to get anyone pregnant (which I've done a stellar job of, if I do say so myself). He must meet women at church, or... I don't know, unclog the sink of a lonely divorcee from time to time.

[Kyle Michalka]

Kyle Michalka sent you a message:
Good, I'm glad we're cool. :) That being said... you know... I'd quite like to see you say "Tits, bro. Am I right?" and then fistbump me in real-life. I think that would be funny.

Hmm could be just a middle-aged bloke thing? Oh fantastic, there's that to look forward to in the foreseeable future then. See if it's a Catholic thing you are definitely going to be like that at 40... but do I get a pass on it because I was raised Catholic but then... drifted a tad?? These are clearly important questions to consider.

Underdogs are exciting, granted, providing they actually end up on top which is a "thing" in films but not in real-life, generally. Like I'm not sure the Cannons are ever going to achieve this filmic-ending-up-on-top happy ending whilst there are... well... good teams in the League. Just saying.

I'm happier not knowing if it means I get out of growing a goatee tbh. Yeah the whole cheating thing made me re-question my respect for my parents (as is prob often the case) but... at least it's worked out and it's not like my mum left and then my dad turned to booze and drugs to numb the pain or whatever, he's perfectly blissfully happy too so... all's well that end's well??

You think that's uncomfortable, you want to try accidentally seeing Fiona and my Dad having "a moment" when Mum and Dad were still together... and then potentially interrupting them getting it on when you made an impromptu visit home one Sunday morning (last Sunday morning, I'm still scarred). :/

You've done an A-star job of not knocking anybody up, well done, really. Oh god, that last comment about your dad just sounded waaaay too euphemistic, mate! Heeeeey let's just... get off the subject of our respective fathers interacting with those of the female gender at all, yeah? I think I'd even take another discussion about Aaron's sexuality over entertaining the idea of my dad (or your dad, but like no offence) hitting on women.

[Justin Biermann]

Justin Andrew Biermann sent you a message:
"Daaaamn, bro. Her waist-to-hip ratio is is like 1:2! That's totally something I'm genetically programmed to be attracted to."

I don't know, man. I went to a straight-up Catholic school, so some of that stuff has burrowed its way into my psyche, even though I don't believe every single thing I was taught. You might have gotten away before all the guilt/repression stuff sank in. (Usual disclaimer: I think getting super into religion helped my dad through some rough times after my mum you know, which is his prerogative. Even though I feel comfortable with a more... laid-back interpretation?)

Stranger things have happened. Don't kill my dreams, Michalka.

... yikes. Thanks for being a highly private celibate shut-in, Dad. I don't think I fully appreciated it before now.

Ha. Sorry. Certainly not the worst plumbing terms I could have chosen, though? Snaking her pipes for one You're right, though, good idea. So Aaron: top or bottom? (I'm kidding. Don't kill me.)

[Kyle Michalka]

Kyle Michalka sent you a message:
Stop. I’ve decided it’s too weird.

You’d think with a primary school Catholic education I might have assimilated some of it but you’re prob right - it didn’t manage to bury its way into my pre-teen psyche enough for it to have a lasting impression. I’m not disparaging it at all, you know whatever gets you through tough times, mate.

Name one stranger thing that has happened, Biermann, just one.

Yeah. As great as it is that my Dad is happy and loving and crap, I’d prefer if he was a more private guy on these kind of things tbh.

Definitely not the worst plumbing terms you could have chosen, I mean pipes for one open a whole range of euphemisms… but, yeah, let’s NOT shall we. Hmmm you know somehow I think Aaron is probably a top – yes I am trying to punish you for joking around by continuing this uncomfortable conversation.

[Justin Biermann]

Justin Andrew Biermann sent you a message:
But I think I may be nearly converted.

You went to Catholic primary too?

This is a really crazy story, okay, but when I was eleven, I found out that there was such a thing as wizards. I'm not in the business of discounting the impossible, is all I'm saying.






Right. I was just about to type a sentence that you don't want to hear and I definitely don't want to tell you, so congratulations on winning uncomfortable conversation chicken! Let's never do this again.

[Kyle Michalka]

Kyle Michalka sent you a message:
No, no you're not.

Yep - good ol' St Thomas of Canterbury Catholic Primary School. I have nothing but fond memories of it, to be fair, the teachers were pretty cool and I don't think a school that teaches tolerance and respect of others is in any way bad. I just wasn't so big on the actual... religion side of it when I was old enough to make up my mind about it all.

You can't use that as an example, it's... OH FINE! Fair enough. You win on this point. But the Cannons will not win, they really won't.

Aww no, come on Biermann, I do so want to know what the sentence you were going to say was... I really do... :P (If I'm going to be allowed to win the title of winner of uncomfortable convo chicken, I want to properly earn it after all!)